This pregnancy has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. Even though I am at the end of this journey, it’s hard for me to feel excited when things are so bleak right now. It seems everything fell apart right at the end and I just feel like such a failure. It’s really hard to be overjoyed when my life is literally all over the place and we have nowhere to call home. I was hoping to have a place to call home by the time of your arrival but it seems every door we open gets closed for one reason or another. I don’t feel good about having to bring you home to a hotel but I know that’s the reality I must face. I try to remain optimistic because you deserve a happy and stress-free Mommy. I have to admit as the due date gets closer, it gets harder to remain positive and feel everything will work out in the end. We are a month away from the due date and it all seems so surreal. This is not my letter to you, these are just my feelings towards the end of my pregnancy.
Your letter is below:
I remember the exact day that I found out I was pregnant with you. Though the news was unexpected as I was just laid off from my job, I was overjoyed to find out I was pregnant. I remember the first ultrasound and how we were able to capture your little movements right away even at a few weeks pregnant. It actually stunned the ultrasound technician when we saw your little flutters on the screen.
I remember showing your big brother, Raylan, the picture of your ultrasound and he thought you were in outer space and wanted to join you. I’m sure you know this since Raylan is always talking and interacting with you but you have a very excited big brother waiting on you. Raylan will love and look out for you and he can’t wait to see you. He has been very excited since the very first day he found out that I was pregnant with you and he has wanted a little sibling for some time. He has asked me from the very beginning “is he ready yet?” or “is he done cooking yet?” and it is nice to now be able to say any day now, you will meet your brother.
I also remember the day that I found out my little baby would be a baby boy. I didn’t care either way. I just wanted a happy healthy baby. As soon as I found out, I couldn’t wait to buy clothes, look at baby gear and find the perfect name for you. We found the perfect name for you and we have been calling you by your name ever since. And I love when you kick in response to hearing Rylan Matthew. You might be wondering how we came up with your name. We wanted something similar to your brother’s name that would be a blend of my name and your daddy’s name. My mom and I sat in the car trying to come up with the perfect name and we landed on Rylan. I called your Daddy and told him we had a name and he liked it and we discussed middle names and Matthew just seemed perfect.
I’m rambling but I want you to know that you are well-loved and you have so many people excited to see your little face. I never want you to feel that I love you any less because of the bond Raylan and I share. I promise that there is enough love for the both of you and I can’t wait to create a special bond with you as well.
I want you to know Mommy loves you very much and I can’t wait to see your face and introduce you to the family. I promise to love, protect and provide for you. As I look back, I wish I spent less time being nervous and anxious about what could go wrong and just lived in the moment. I promised myself to enjoy this pregnancy and capture every moment and I feel I have done that. I have worried since the day I thought I miscarried you. Do you know that on the day I went to the hospital thinking I lost you, there were 2 other women with the same scare and I’m the only one that left pregnant. From that day, I knew it was all meant to be and you have proven that God doesn’t always give us what we want but what we need.
We are so close to meeting one another and I have no clue where the time has gone. This pregnancy has flown by and everything has been a blur. As my bump grew and the flutters became more powerful and more like Kung Fu moves, the reality that I was growing a tiny human set in. I have spent many days afraid and uncertain of our future and whenever I was feeling down, your little punches and kicks reassured me everything would be okay in the end. You are growing so big and so strong and I look forward to hearing your heartbeat at every doctor’s appointment. I want you to know that I am not excited about the circumstances of my life right now but I am very excited to welcome you to the family. I just want you to know that Mommy will be here to guide you along the way and is very excited about meeting you.
Raising your brother has taught me a lot about motherhood. I hope to instill the same values in you that I have instilled in Raylan. I want you to be a kind and loving person that’s not afraid to live outside the box and to always go after what you want. Just as I’m teaching you to be strong, I will teach you to be gentle. I am not a fan of gender roles and whatever makes you happy will make me happy. I can’t wait to see all of the things you will teach me because I now know that as a mom, your children will teach you just as much as you’re teaching them. I don’t know what the future holds for you but I will be there every step of the way to guide you and to pick you up when you fall.
I could make this even longer but I probably have bored you enough. I love you so much and I can’t wait to meet you and kiss your sweet little face.
I will love you forever and always.
Hope you all enjoyed the blog!