Dear Diary,

If I’m being completely honest, I sometimes feel that my life is falling apart. I try to remain positive through it all because I know all too well that tough times don’t last forever. Even though I feel better days are coming, I can admit things are falling apart and I have hit rock bottom. The good thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go is up. I know my life is falling apart so things can come together greater than before. I know that I’m starting over for a reason. Though things are not ideal, I can’t help but be thankful. I know things could be much worse. I’m blessed to still live at home with a wonderful support system. Through all the hard times, I’ll be grateful because I know that this is not the end for me. I’ll keep working hard and know that better days are coming

What’s going on in my life is quite crazy right now. I’ve been unemployed for nearly 2 years now. I spent most of 2018 applying and interviewing hearing a lot of no’s hoping to one day hear a Yes. It didn’t happen for me. I either wasn’t qualified or didn’t have the necessary education or experience for the position. Most of the jobs that wanted me didn’t want to pay what I made in my previous position and anything less than what I made in my previous job will all go towards childcare and leave me with no money at all. I have learned that jobs do not want to pay a liveable wage and childcare is not affordable. And though I want a job and money, I know I must be patient and find that position that will provide me a liveable wage and job experience that I can use in my field. I want to also add that the jobs I used to get before unemployment like retail don’t even want to hire me now.

It’s 2019 and I have been applying like crazy since the top of the year. It is now the 24th of January and I have heard more No’s than I did in 2018. I’m going to remain optimistic and know that someone out there will give me a chance. I am in a okay situation where I can wait it out just a little longer for a job that pays a little more in the field that I want to work in. I will continue to be determined and just keep pushing moving forward. There’s not much else that I can do with the job search than be patient.

Another update that I have to give is about school. I had to leave a horrible online program in the middle of the Fall semester and currently trying to find a new school. I have about a year left so I just need to get a degree in something and finish. The problem with finding a new school is owing money at another school and not having my official transcripts released. It’s all a struggle but I’ll remain optimistic. I want to get my degree in Information Technology and work in the healthcare IT (information technology) field. I can’t wait until it all comes together.

I was at the point of rebuilding my credit when I was laid off. And now all of my hard work is gone. All of my credit cards have been closed because I can’t afford to pay them. It’s really a struggle because I would like to one day live on my own with my kids but with my credit being so horrible now, I’m not sure if that’ll ever happen for me. If I’m honest, I’m scared about my future with so many things up in the air.

Recently we had to pull our oldest out of school and homeschool. He was struggling with getting on grade level, self-confidence and bullying. Though I knew it would make the job seeking journey harder, my child is my priority. Homeschooling has been its own struggle as I try to prepare my five-year-old for the 1st grade. Each day it gets better and I see him really trying his best to get the material. I’ll have a separate blog about the homeschooling journey thus far.

The hardest part about all the hardships is feeling that I failed my children. I always wanted to give them a better life. I wanted to enroll them in programs, go on trips and be able to really provide for them. And I felt really confident about doing all of that before I was laid off. Now, I feel like I’m starting over and back at square one and I honestly don’t know where to go from here.

Despite the hardships, I try to remain positive and think positive thoughts. My favorite quote is that a negative mind will never give you a positive life. I also enjoy taking walks, reading positive quotes and taking quiet time for myself without the distraction of the computer or my phone. I also know that it is important to take breaks or walk away from things that make me feel overwhelmed or less than. There is only one way to go and that is up.

“Remember that just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there. ”


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