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Either I’m not a relationship girl or I haven’t been in the right relationship. I’m 24 and I don’t want to be married anytime soon. It seems there is this social pressure to get married when you have kids to complete your family or to stay with someone just because of the kids. Even though I don’t want to be married right now, I do dream of being in a healthy relationship. I’m learning that just because you made a mistake in a sense, you don’t have to stay in that mistake. You don’t have to stay with a man just because you had kids with him and you can go out and be happy with someone else if that guy is not up to your standards. I just feel I shouldn’t have to settle just for the kids and I also feel that I’m not obligated to wait on a man to change into the man I need him to be.
I am still discovering who I am and what I really want out of a relationship. I just feel I have so much I want to accomplish and being in a relationship is a distraction from my own goals. And I don’t think every relationship is like that and you should be with someone that supports your goals and dreams and doing whatever to help you accomplish them. I think in a relationship you are supposed to grow and become a better person and if that’s not happening, what’s the point? Like I can do bad all by myself.
I never look at other relationships and think that’s what I want. On social media, there are tons of relationship goals posts and I just don’t think it’s realistic to want something based on a post about gifts and fake deep quotes. You never know what goes on behind closed doors so I never envy anyone’s relationship or want the same as someone else. I want to be my own goals in a sense. I think every person wants something different out of a relationship but we all strive to be in a happy and healthy relationship.
Becoming pregnant again made me really reevaluate my relationship not only for myself but for my kids. I know you may be saying that’s a tad bit late but it’s never too late to reevaluate your relationships because circumstances and people do change which affects the dynamics of a relationship. Ryan is the person I am currently in a complicated relationship with and the father of my kids. We have been together nearly five years now. Ryan and I have had a long-distance relationship for the past three or so years, so he was in Savannah and I was here in Atlanta. It wasn’t ideal because I pretty much parented Raylan alone even though he was a bus or phone call away. At the time of this long-distance relationship, I was in fairy-tale land and didn’t see the toxicity of our relationship. I was just living my life, working, going to school and taking care of my son with the hopes Ryan would move to Atlanta and we’ll become a family. Well, it only took him 3 years to do so and he moved to Atlanta this past May. Things were different to say the least.
I was no longer that young lost girl just waiting on him to be this picture-perfect family. I was older, wiser and knew what I wanted out of a relationship. The time apart from Ryan made me realize how much I enjoyed my space and being alone. I was excited about his move initially, but it was not enough. Ryan has let me down in the past so it’s hard to open him with open arms and let him back into my life. I can admit my guard is up and I have pushed him away. It’s hard being in a complicated relationship or even single while pregnant because those little moments of pregnancy that are very exciting are spent alone and you wish you could share those moments with someone else. It’s hard not knowing whether you will have a place in someone’s life and pregnancy just makes it twenty times more emotional. I’ve learned not to focus on that because I want to truly enjoy my pregnancy even if I have to enjoy it alone. Luckily, I get to share moments with my mom and Raylan and watching Raylan so excited to become a big brother really helps.
Personally, I would rather be a single mom than to be in a toxic relationship for the sake of the kids. My needs and wants have changed since the beginning of our relationship and me becoming a mother. I met Ryan while I was a freshman in college and I didn’t know myself. I was excited a guy noticed me and gave me attention. Ryan got a special piece of me that no other guy that I talked to got and that was my virginity. No, I don’t regret giving him my virginity because it brought Raylan in my life and I truly believe everything in life happens for a reason. Because I feel I gave Ryan all of me, I’m not sure how to let go or move on and I’m scared to give myself to someone else. I know what I deserve in a relationship and I have every right to demand what I deserve and if he can’t meet those demands, he no longer serves a purpose in my life. And that is where we are in our relationship. It’s hard to know whether to fight harder or pack up the memories and leave.
Ryan is my best friend and we have developed a great friendship over the years. But, can we remain good friends if we’re not in a relationship is the question. Honestly, I don’t know and that scares me. I constantly wonder if I should stay in this relationship or should I leave. What am I holding onto and what has this relationship gave me besides two kids? I know that a relationship shouldn’t be stressful, you shouldn’t feel alone in your relationship and you should feel like the other person is working just as hard to stay in the relationship. And the thing is Ryan is not a bad guy at all, tries hard to protect and provide, loves his children and just a genuine person but he’s not the guy that I need him to be right now and I can’t change him. I don’t know if my expectations are too high or what, but I need a man that wants more out of a life than the same old same old, I want you to know I need something without me having to always ask and I need someone that is actively doing what they’re preaching instead of just preaching.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and relationships from my relationship with Ryan. These are my takeaways.
– You should go into a relationship loving yourself and knowing what you want out of a relationship and significant other.
– You should always be careful of the baggage you choose to accept. Ryan had way more baggage than I did, and his baggage has affected his views on relationships.
– Do not let someone get comfortable with treating you any type of way and you deserve the absolute best.
– Do not settle just because it seems ideal. Know your worth and then add tax.
-Do not be afraid to walk away from a toxic relationship. You deserve to be happy and in a relationship, that helps you grow as a person.
I am taking my own advice when it comes to relationships. I have had a conversation with Ryan about what I want out of a relationship and potential husband. At this time, I have no desires to be married but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get married at all. I am still discovering who I am as a person and taking the time to really assess who I am and what I want. I have gotten so used to being alone so it’s going to be hard to let anyone in my life. I am young, so I know my feelings will change but right now I am okay with being alone and focusing on myself and my goals. I believe if something is meant to be, it will be.
Hope you all enjoyed the blog!
Feel free to leave advice, your thoughts on relationships and marriage. These are just my thoughts and ideas and in no way meant to be taken as fact. I just wanted to share my story.